The post you’ve been waiting for (the one where I’ve finally lost it)

Today is my two month anniversary with AML. Really I’ve had it like 9 months or something but we never know what to do with anniversaries and those weird stages before being official.

Over the past two weeks I did some stuff such as my second round of chemo (which was surprisingly not as bad as the first even though it was higher dose?) and get both E. coli (seriously who gets E. coli?) and some other weird bacteria that allegedly almost caused sepsis but don’t worry we caught it (not before the 105 fever and 35 diastolic though – not cute and fun).

Now I am physically whole again! Cured of all ailments except cancer. I also finally did the whole mental breakdown thing this week. Since the first round of chemo did not go well and there is not a lot of data on Ph+ AML my prognosis is basically “we have no idea” so I am confronting my mortality and it sucks. I am physically exhausted from being so emotionally exhausted. I have decided that being insane this past week was actually sane since literally how else am I supposed to react to all of this illness/physical pain/possible death.

If you care about specifics, here is a list of horrific things I did these past two weeks:
– chemo, e. coli, sketch bacterial illness (I know I already said this but I am giving myself credit twice)
– meet the palliative care team
– funeral/death wishes
– advanced health care directive (I am actually still procrastinating this but working on it)
– physical therapy (we all know no one does all their PT)
– 8th week of hospital food on no appetite (I think this could really be a form of torture)

I know that you are all yelling at me through your screens that since I’m strong I’ll strength my way out of cancer (?) or something but it actually doesn’t work that way. Don’t worry though because I actually really prefer being positive about this so I will be going back to that ASAP. Also I’m not even for sure dying. Just had to have a little insane/sane breakdown.

I’m going to end on a happy note now because I am actually happy about a lot of things. In the midst of all this crazy two people very important to me visited from Michigan and New Jersey – my stepsister Denna and one of my best friends Amanda. I also have to shoutout my incredible nurses and doctors who have cared for me with an unimaginable level of compassion. I have experienced the love and support of my friends, family, and community in a profound way. I am learning a lot.

One thought on “The post you’ve been waiting for (the one where I’ve finally lost it)

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  1. You rock Brooke! Good to see that you can continue to express yourself so clearly! Here’s to you & holding onto hope & optimism!


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